In this modern age where the 'White Heat of Technology' has more or less become the 'Lumbering Giant Tortoise of Eternal Progress' and absolutely anyone can publish absolutely anything (err such as this article...), we all need to be more discerning with our precious 'downtime'. After all just how many pointless articles can you cram in on the commute to work, or under the desk when the boss isn't looking, in the toilet cubicle on a bio break, in the pub after work ignoring the office bore, or at home on the sofa pretending to listen to your spouse (or the cat if you're single)?????
So next time you're reliving the tedium of existence on that bio break, don't click on that specious link on your favourite social media (addiction) website, read this instead and absorb the one 'weird trick' of filtering out the rubbish.
Reasons to avoid 'Listicles' (as they are apparently known in the trade).
Numero Uno
These articles are ubiquitous, they're bloody everywhere! They're the literary and entertainment equivalent of the 'tramp stamp' tattoo, or the photo shopped selfie. In this case instead of everybody having one. everybody reads them! So why follow the crowd? Why be a sheep? Why not be different this time? So be unique, stand out from those fellow commuters! Put on your velvet reading jacket, light up that pipe (if you're not in the cubicle on a bio break that is), and read that article about Scorsese vs Marvel instead. You know Scorsese has a point by the way.....
Nummer Zwei
These are articles are almost certainly click bait, get past the finger twitching title, read the actual substance of the article and you'll soon realise you knew most of it anyway, and you could have, probably should have thought of it yourself (not this article of course, ahem. Cough).
Mostly these pieces are useless, unless you're after confirmation of your own biases (please see articles such as '13 Reasons Why Brexit Will Put the Great Back in Britain' or '11 Reasons Why God Will Smite You if You Vote Democrat and not Trump' if that's your thing then).
Numéro Trois
The number of items in the list is clearly plucked out of thin air, made up, and totally arbitrary. The number itself is no more than the hook on the line to draw you in, the ultra violet light to draw you into the insectocutor. The number itself is irrelevant, the author (I'm being nice with that description) just wants to sucker you in.
Have you noticed how many of these 'listicles' are for lists with odd numbers 13, 11, 7 (sheer coincidence), 5 etc etc? Presumably this is to make the list sound more convincing, more realistic, more naturalistic. After all humans dislike too much symmetry, we prefer the girl with the slightly lopsided smile or the boy with the wonky haircut, and even numbers seem too symmetrical, too convenient, too synthetic.
Surely the list with an odd number is more likely to be true?
Our own diligent research for this article found that on a random check of 50 listicles, 37 were for odd numbers (an overwhelming majority of 64%....wait a second that percentage is an even number, uhhh does that make a difference?).
Numero Kvar
Most of these articles are at best ill informed, and quite often filled with inaccuracies, misquotes, lies, damn lies, and statistics (false ones though, for example we quite blatantly made up the research in Numéro Trois above).
Remember as Einstein famously said, "Never believe anything you read on Facebook (sorry that should read FACEBOOK)".
Remember to avoid any articles advising you of x number of 'weird tricks' to make your life instantly better, they're the very worst, and let's face it they usually arrive as 'pop ups' on porn sites so you shouldn't have been on there in the first place!
Mostly these listicles can be filed under the category of 'Fake News' along with 99.99% of the content of speeches by Donald Trump, and any social media posts by members of the Kardashian clan.
Rhif Pump
What's that at the back there? Speak up, we can't hear you properly! Oh, you're saying not all listicles are the equivalent of literary spam? Some are even found in proper publications?
Well yes, that's true enough, some institutions have been at this for years, take the legendary 'Rolling Stone' magazine for example with their list of top albums of all time etc. That tends to be well researched stuff from a strong tradition of journalism.
However in recent years there has been a trend towards filler articles in lot of media outlets, and this is particularly prevalent in 'on-line' editions. Take for example the 'Independent' in the United Kingdom, a once proud 'broadsheet' that could no longer afford to publish a hard copy edition and now exists only in a web format (there is though a cut down, wafer thin, tabloid edition still existing as a zombie paper, waiting every day to be used as cat litter tray liner but we digress).
Now the Independent's output seems to consist almost entirely of 'Top Lists', 'Top 100 movies to see before you die (they mean retire, they're all Millennials at the Independent)', 'Top 100 films of 2014'. You get the picture. Seriously, our Twitter feed is continually populated by the Independent announcing yet another list article. We even suggested they publish a 'Top 100 Independent List Articles' list but they didn't follow up.
Frankly this is just lazy journalism wrapped around advertising, you might as well watch an infomercial.
Don't waste your time on these 'best of' lists, instead go and make a playlist to use in the gym, or on an extended bio break when you just can't face the day job anymore.
अंक छः
Lets step back to 'click bait' for this point. What is the primary purpose of click bait? To get you into an article and then inundate you with advertising or pop ups for other sites (effectively advertising then).
So if you like advertising that much, why not just watch television instead? At least you get some genuine entertainment along with the pitch for washing powder or matrimonial web sites (note this website is not responsible for the quality of the entertainment shows you choose to watch).
Alternatively you could search Youtube for some genuine classics of advertising. Here you go, a quick link to get you started.
https://youtu.be/86CZQGdxyMs
номер семь
Lastly then, when pondering which listicle to consume next time on the bus, have think about who gains from you reading that piece.
In the case of 'top list' type articles that populate the on-line editions of legitimate news organisations it could be worse - when reading those you're probably just propping up an ailing media empire that has struggled to adapt to the change wrought by the internet, and smartphones in particular. Still, evolution's all about survival of the fittest right?
What about those shady click bait articles then? Who are the advertising partners there? What are the pop-ups for?
Let's face it when you click on those you're probably falling into the shady designs of President Putin or some other despot, no good can possibly come out of that rubbish and we all know it.
It's like that cocktail known as 'Bullfrog', it looks rough on paper, you know its going to be awful when you consume it, and you know you'll feel rubbish afterwards. Still we get lured into trying it, and afterwards you do feel grubby alright, your pocket is also lighter, and the World seems a bit grimmer for a while.
Remember kids, 'Just say no!'.
P.S. Thanks to 'India Today' whose graphic we shamelessly stole from their 27/04/2016 article 'Listicles are the new shizz!" - https://www.indiatoday.in/education-today/featurephilia/story/why-we-love-listicles-320278-2016-04-27
P.P.S. We're really proud of our continual use of the term 'Bio Break' throughout this article, we think this proves we're down with the kids, got our fingers on the pulse, and represent the cutting edge of toilet euphemisms in blogging. It sounds better than 'going to the lav'.
P.P.S. Seriously though, Listicles really aren't the 'new shiz'.
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